I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
