I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
