Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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