did you get engaged???
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
