phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
