first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
