Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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