I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
