So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
