Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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