So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
