i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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