My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
