Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
