she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
