after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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