A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
