her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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