Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
