I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
