So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
