There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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