I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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