So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Four minutes until I can fart!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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