Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
