Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
