You can't motorboat a personality
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
