Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
