eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
