I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
