If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this just has baby written all over it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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