Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
