my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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