My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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