The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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