I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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