i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
