At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
