im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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