Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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