there's paper in my vomit.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
