This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
