Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
