I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
What a dumb baby whore.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
