Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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