wrigley field is MILF paradise
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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