guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
