I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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