I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
