He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
