they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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