Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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