Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And then he peed in my hair
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